What is the wounding message or pattern in the Enneagram?
The Enneagram wounding message is the information that we take to be the truth when we’re children. This doesn’t necessarily mean that it was specifically said to you or by another person, but it is essentially the message that we picked up, internalized, and learned to cope with as children.
We take in all kinds of information from parents and caretakers, friends and family, society, educators, and experiences—it could even be our own internal dialogue that relays this message in our youth. This may have lacked understanding, empathy, direction,
The gap between the healthy, integrated messages that we needed as children and the unhealthy, hurtful ones that we actually received is the enneagram wounding message.
The Enneagram wounding message doesn’t determine type; however, each of the nine Enneagram types has internalized a unique message or worldview and has learned a specific strategy to cope with and move through the world.
It’s helpful to not only understand your own Enneagram wounding message but also to learn what other types have internalized to have more empathy, compassion, and connections with others in your life.
Type 1: “It’s not okay to be wrong or to make mistakes.”
Type 1s will typically do everything they can to be right, correct, morally good and ethical, follow the rules, etc. They may have become more serious about this at a young age, internalizing this message to be right and to avoid being wrong, unethical, and that making mistakes is unacceptable.
This can manifest as trying to fix and control the people and things in their environment in order to be correct, keep things in order, and ensure that no mistakes are made. They may feel like they’re the only ones who take things seriously. Type 1s also have to deal with a relentless inner critic who points out everything that’s wrong and why they’re never good enough.
The way to grow for Type 1s who have internalized this wounding message in childhood is to work on acceptance. Allowing mistakes and letting go of the need for everything to be perfect, and being okay and accepting of themselves when mistakes are inevitably made (we are human, after all!)
Type 2: “It’s not okay to have your own needs.”
Type 2s likely were given (and praised for) the message that it’s important to put the needs of others above themselves. That’s not inherently wrong, but it does become a problem when you will suppress or neglect your own needs for the sake of others because you feel it’s selfish to have your own needs.
The way for a Type 2 to grow from this is to understand that it’s okay to have your own needs, that it’s important to take care of yourself. And, perhaps most important to a Type 2, by learning to take care of yourself, you can better be open to freely help and support others. A big part of this is by getting in touch with saying ‘no’ and setting boundaries with others.
Type 3: “It’s not okay to have your own feelings and identity.”
Type 3s can see this manifest in childhood by believing “you are what you do”, or “it’s not okay to fail,” and other variations of this message. With the core desire of achieving and being successful as a way to get validation, earn love, and to have self-worth, Type 3s will often suppress their authentic self in order to put that successful image forward, almost at any cost.
For Type 3s, failure can be quite painful. Therefore, they might not even try to attempt something if they’re not good at it, or if there’s the potential to fail publicly. They are sensitive to critiques; therefore, they work hard to receive recognition and validation from others.
Type 3s can find growth in understanding that they have worth and value inherently, simply for existing rather than for their accomplishments or for what they do.
Type 4: “It’s not okay to be too functional or too happy.”
As children, Type 4s will often find that others say they’re ‘too much’ (too unique, too different, too happy, too sad, too expressive, too individualistic, etc.). They internalized the message that too much or too little interest in something was considered a bad thing.
They felt unseen and like they were different – outsiders from others in their environment. This is internalized as believing they are flawed or broken in some way, and they will often feel misunderstood.
Type 4s can find growth when they realize they are not broken or flawed, they’re not too much, and they’re not missing something. They can be their authentic self unapologetically, feel a genuine sense of identity, purpose, and meaning.
Type 5: “It’s not okay to be too comfortable in the world.”
Be it their family, school, or the emotional demands of others, Type 5s as children often feel that their environment is too overwhelming. They may have also felt abandoned or shut off from others, solidifying the belief in their mind that their needs are a problem and a burden to others.
By withdrawing into their heads, Type 5s find a way of coping by getting space, detaching, observing, and understanding everything before facing external demands and learning to navigate the world competently.
Type 5s typically feel safest in their minds, having alone time, and feeling well-informed and prepared before taking action or interacting with the world. This can lead to constantly researching, learning, and gathering information but never feeling comfortable or ready enough to move forward.
The growth happens for Type 5s when they believe that they do know enough to move forward, and that they don’t have to have it all figured out before taking action. They can learn to trust others and can make an impact by being able to share their knowledge with others rather than keeping it all internalized.
Type 6: “It’s not okay to depend on yourself or to trust yourself.”
Type 6s tend to view life through the lens that they can’t trust themselves, lack confidence in themselves, and need the support of others to be safe, secure, and assured.
In childhood, 6s become aware that the world can be an unsafe, scary, dangerous place and have to learn to cope with that mindset. They may have become over-reliant on the thoughts and decisions of strict parental figures, or may have experienced an inconsistent or unpredictable environment to solidify this childhood wounding message.
In a stressed or unhealthier state, Type 6s can become focused on things that could go wrong or be prone to worst-case-scenario thinking. They desire to be prepared and want to have security and stability, not being caught off-guard.
The path of growth for Type 6s happens when they learn to trust themselves more, and not feel the need to rely on others for safety and survival. They will find they can make decisions, take action, and face uncertainty with more confidence and understanding that they have the resources to get through it and live with courage.
Type 7: “It’s not okay to depend on anyone for anything.”
Type 7s learn in childhood that they need to rely on themself instead of others, learning to nurture themselves and find happiness and satisfaction on their own. Some experiences may have caused them to feel emotionally neglected and shut off from others, leading them to depend on their own ability to rely on themselves.
Type 7s will find themselves engaging in activities or planning for future activities as a way to avoid addressing negative feelings and pain or being present in the moment.
Type 7s can find growth by learning to sit in feelings, even if they’re negative, and face hard times, difficulties, and not to escape and reframe it constantly in order to avoid facing them. In healthier states, Type 7s are able to experience and process negative feelings, find more focus and perseverance, be in the present moment, and learn that they can rely on and trust others as well.
Type 8: “It’s not okay to be vulnerable or to trust anyone.”
As children, Type 8s tend to feel the need to grow up quickly, and to face life with a tough exterior. Doing this also meant avoiding letting others get too close and avoiding vulnerability. They may have felt betrayed, rejected, or refused to be vulnerable at a young age, leading to feeling unsafe being in a vulnerable state and choosing to protect themselves and keep their guard up instead.
As you can imagine, this will lead to a lonely life if the Type 8 remains in this mindset, often in an unhealthy state. Types 8s can find growth in learning to trust and share their heart with others, finding greater strength and ability in connecting with (and caring for) others.
Type 9: “It’s not okay to assert yourself.”
Type 9 children often find themselves in the midst of conflict, being surrounded and pulled by others with strong opinions, or feeling neglected. This causes them to withdraw, go along with others, and avoid asserting their own needs or desires.
This can lead Type 9s to become focused on keeping their environment peaceful, not upsetting others, and essentially numbing out to life in order to prioritize internal and external harmony – a false harmony, in fact, because their easygoing demeanor and lack of speaking up for themselves is a form of submitting to the belief that their needs and presence is not wanted or important.
However, by downplaying their needs, emotions, and desires, Type 9s can lose touch of who they authentically are and determine their own needs/wants in life.
Type 9s will find growth by identifying when they’re suppressing themselves to keep the peace, to pay attention to themselves, and to understand their needs matter. This will lead them to assert themselves, express their opinions, go after the things that authentically matter to them, and show up more fully in their lives and relationships.
By understanding the different aspects of the Enneagram, from the core motivations to these Enneagram wounding messages, you’ll have a better understanding of which type most resonates with you and your life experience. Are you still trying to determine your Enneagram type? Read about the nine types and their core motivations.
